Life, death and youth is always something that has interested me. The first two in particular continue to perplex me and leave me wanting a satisfactory meaning to the whole construction of what we call our existence. Everyone dies at some point... It's a fact of nature and it is a subject of emotional responses, and more often that not; regret. There are many people that I have never met in my life or come across whilst alive that I wish I had. This ranges from music artists such as Ian Curtis to actors such as Marlon Brando. Both of them either dying before my time or during my life, but myself being much too young to appreciate.
I suppose the main obstacle in life is holding onto dear memories that when taking place, you don't realise just how special they are. Only for you to later on, rediscover something and think back to a moment and feeling that left you reserved.
The oldest memory which I possess is one where I walk into my Nan's house to a crowded hallway of about 6 or 7 people all staring at me with joy and happiness. The problem I have with this memory is that I often dictate whether it is real... The reason being is because in this memory, my great Grandad is stood there next to all my other family members and smiling back at me. He is stood sort of to the side, inbetween the hallway and the kitchen, just next to the porch. I never properly met him and if I did, I was never old enough to speak to him. Such memories can confuse you because you start to ponder whether it is just false hope that creates a moment like this to give you a feeling of optimism, that you can live knowing that your ancestors saw you brought into the world and living with a smile on your face.
A thought always comes into my head when I think about stuff like this. Thoughts specifically leading to a choice, which if offered, what would I choose? The decision between living a mortal life or becoming immortal and experiencing life over and over until the end of time. Immortality is a subject that always compels me to read more and more into it and gain an understanding on the pros and cons of living forever.
One particular example is that of Dorian Gray. A fictional character I first came across quite a while ago, from the film "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". The film was entirely rubbish and yet again; a fail at adapting graphic novels to the big screen. However, that is beyond the point... From then on, I was enthralled in this tale of how a man wished to be young forever, to stay as he is now, exactly the same as his portrait. For his recently painted portrait to age instead of him.
It was only until recently when I was given the book as a present, that I truly understood the story and fell in love even more so with Oscar Wilde's tale.
Within the story, Dorian Gray comes across a man by the name of Henry Wotton; a man fueled by all of the pleasures in life and a renowned hedonist in his circle of friends and acquaintances. He teaches Dorian to stop being so naive in life and see it more for what it is. Whether he is right or wrong, he places Dorian on his journey in life, forever altering his views and travels. The strength in the story which has me most interested is that Wotton is clearly an alter-ego of Wilde. His philosophical views are clearly Wilde speaking from the depth of his heart on how we should live life and in some ways, the benefits of living forever.
A quote from Henry Wotton in the story is as follows;
"Beauty is a form of genius - is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon."
I suppose in a way he is right and that all human life is depressing that one day, no matter who you are, beauty fades and you become somebody else. No longer loved by all, but adored by few. It is the reason people wish to look as young as possible for as long as is possible. A form of immortality...
But what always gets me thinking is that despite us living a life that is always filled with love and hate, joy and sadness and laughter and tears, human life is so special for that very reason. We will always face that impending doom of death and losing a loved one. It is why everything is so precious. If the option of living forever was made available to us, I suspect many would say yes and that is not excluding me. But would we lose whatever made us human in the first place.
A film which I always think has an underbelly of deep thought in this matter is Troy starring Brad Pitt and Eric Bana. A mythical story based around the siege of Troy and how Achilles became one of the most famous names in Greek mythology. Achilles at one point though, which is my favourite scene in the film, says to Briseis (who is a Priestess and devout servant of the Gods) a quote which despite it being out of context with how we follow religion nowadays compared to ancient Greece, still holds true;
"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."
We as mortal men and women value life so highly because any moment we could be gone, another box in the ground or a 1000 grains of dust scattered into the sea. We follow rules and passages from old text because we feel like we should live a certain way but if God is real, is it not he that wishes so much to be human? Does he not watch over us witnessing how much we can love and yet how much we can destroy with jealousy?
If I were immortal, the gains of living forever would be great. Being able to make sure my blood line could last generations. That all of my family may live the longest possible without fear of death as I could be there to protect them. How I could witness everything unfold without a care in the world.
But I think in the end, I hold my mortality in high regard. That whatever choices I make, have consequences. When I eventually leave the world, I can leave with optimism knowing I lived a good life and that I may in some hope, be celebrated by those closest to me. Rather than be here longer enough to witness those I love pass by and the imminent loneliness of knowing the world has changed and I have not.
"Youth is like diamonds in the sun, and diamonds are forever."
Rooted;
I plant your roots,
Deep within the ground,
In a forest of beauty and fruits,
Only small, weak and discreet,
You can grow tall, strong and sleek,
I am only a bit older,
Older than you, but not much wiser,
Together we shall age, become close friends,
In each others company till we reach the roads end,
I'll depend on you, like you will the weather,
Clouds open up and rain fall from the heavens,
So when everyone has left me,
You will still be here, taller than before and higher than the eyes can see,
I'll always remember,
your comfort and presence, and deep thinking slumber,
How a gentle piece of nature,
Could provide so much nurture, hope and love,
Never selfish, you just stand there caring so much.
Jasmine;
Beauty to stop a glance,
Reel you in and transform to a trance,
Something I can't describe,
And probably don't deserve,
Yet it feels like fate is on my side.
A radiance so sweet,
Colourful flower sweeping in the mist,
A princess to the world,
And a queen to me,
Someone my eyes only choose to see.
Elegant with innocence,
With us there's no pretence,
To me there is only you,
And to you there only be me,
I've caught you like the flu,
And I'm in no way immune,
But I just don't care because... I love you.
Umbrella Girl;
You're just an umbrella girl,
Put up your smile to keep the rain from my world,
You keep me grounded,
Always making me want to say 3 words and not caring how cheesy they sounded,
Everything is better in your presence,
Everywhere more pleasant because of your existence,
You hold me together like an entwined bracelet,
So whisper me your secret,
How your cheeks stay dry,
No tears, just a bright beautiful smile,
Cause your just an umbrella girl,
You put up a smile and keep the rain from my world.
"Say, look at me. Baby, we'll be fine. All we gotta do is be brave and be kind."
I suppose the greatest thing about being a kid is that you don't realise how good you have got it, not caring about anything and generally having a treat of a time. But then again, that is also the bad thing about being a kid.
You let every great moment pass without a care or thought because you believe it will all happen again tomorrow. You're not far wrong either, because your childhood is filled with so many fantastical adventures. If you had an imagination like mine then you could make a trip to Carpet World turn into an exploration of a far away planet full to the brim with carpet covered monsters and aliens pretending to be humans. You were the only one in on it, and it was bloody marvelous.
My childhood was brilliant. I loved every moment of it, and I class them as the best days of my life. Days being when exactly? Around 6 years old up until I was about 12. Starting at 6 because... Well, you gain an understanding of things and adults start to trust you that little bit more. You have been at school a full year, you know what the area is like because you walked through it to get to school and your vocabulary is getting pretty darned good. And it stops at 12 because obviously, high school begins; the place where imagination is kidnapped and locked up and fed to the dogs. All because they believe GCSE's determine where you will end up. Bollocks.
The reason I wanted to write this blog was because I wanted to discuss what I would like to think is the most important stage of my childhood. It wasn't a personal problem going on at home, it wasn't school work related and it certainly wasn't when I realised Father Christmas was one big lie.
It was the day I first came across Pokémon...
It only cropped up in my mind the other night/early morning when I sat up in bed and for about an hour and a half spewed out this massive nostalgic tale to my girlfriend (who seemed to enjoy the story). I remembered just how captivating the world of Pokémon was, how it gripped hold of your imagination without you having to really imagine anything. You lived for Pokémon. You practically breathed Pokémon.
My first interaction with that franchise came about when I was around 9. This was a year before it really captivated the hearts and souls of children all across Britain. Being in Year 4, every class gets a 'pen pal' and well it was time for us to get ours. Apparently, our school had a sister school in Canada or something a long those lines which enabled us to link easily with each other. This was before Facebook and all those other social networking websites so it was insanely exciting to think that you could write a load of old nonsense and some other kid on the other side of the world would read it and reply.
My 'pen pal' was a kid named Trevor. I remember the first time I received my letter, it was very surreal. Mainly because they had been given their pal before us. This enabled them to write directly to you... So as described it was simply addressed "To Jake".
I always try to reminisce the whole letter but I have no clue really as to the exact words. But I remember him speaking about how he played peewee Baseball and read books about Dinosaurs. Even though the whole letter was cool, it was something in which Trevor had attached that really had me mesmerised. In the top right corner of the letter, attached simply by paper-clip was a Pokémon card. At the time I had no idea what it was of course... But I still fell in love with it right off the bat. The colours , the artwork and detail put into the picture; it had my full attention.
I still remember what Pokémon it was;
A Charmander. It mattered not what his stats said and how powerful his moves were. I just wanted to show it everyone that would glance, even if only for a second. Right at that moment, the teacher called for "break time" and all of the class hurried to the playground. I rushed manically to see what everyone else had received from their pen pal and to see if somebody had also been given a card. But only 1 other kid had. It was a Diglett and was most definitely, not as cool as mine.
I had to wait a whole Summer nearly for the craze to arrive. Which it did, and boyo' boy did it. Pokémon was the biggest thing on the planet. Nobody could argue that, even if you were 25 years old and mad about the battle for Brit-Pop champion.
Once everyone knew what Pokémon was, you couldn't have a dinner time without someone debating what the best Pokémon was and why. Nobody knew why exactly, and even if everybody had the cards you still didn't really know how to play. But just like before, everything changed again. This change was to launch Pokémon into a whole new world of craze.
I'm sure everyone remembers how they felt when this played on the TV;
Every morning at 7:30 am, I woke up to catch up on Ash's latest adventure. Waiting in anticipation to find out what new Pokémon he would catch and most importantly; see when he would become a "Pokémon Master". I remember wanting him to be the best even more than he did.
When you become entwined in a craze as a child. You never really want anything other than to be surrounded by it. Birthdays and Christmas' all include asking for all the bits of merchandise and toys. PokémonPokédex's. All of them on the agenda of a Christmas list.
Waking up to find your Mum sat at the end of your bed with wrapped up presents concealing 2 booster packs of Pokémon cards for your Birthday. They are some of the best memories I have. Even if not just because I was happy at a present I received, but because I could see how happy my Mum was that she had made my world.
Moments like that don't happen anymore. I'm 21 and don't get me wrong, I don't expect to wake up in the morning and see my Mum waiting with a present for me. I have grown out of that but the thought and remembrance of such events makes me a little sad and crave for that childlike feeling.
Maybe that is what's wrong with adult life nowadays. There is nothing of real, genuine excitement to wake up for anymore. You wish you could watch 18 rated movies when you are younger, but the thought is always better than the real thing. I did wish madly that I could stay up later with all the older people when I was 10 but now I wish I could go to bed early like when I was a kid, just so I could wake up early to find Pokémon on my TV screen. But I know it won't happen. I wished for many thing when I was younger, most came true, and for the most part I am incredibly happy. But there is that little piece of me that desperately clings to the feeling of being a child. Seeing the world through tinted glasses, and not panicking over things that wouldn't have even existed at the age of 7, 8, 9, 10 and any of those other young ages.
Being a child is simple. You enjoy the finer things in life, and everything you come across shapes who you are when you grow up. Those life changing moments range from your favourite colour to a TV/game/toy franchise.
There are many, many more stories about Pokémon I have from being a child and plenty of other mad crazes I had such as Thomas the Tank Engine, Dragonball Z and Power Rangers. Though I am not going to keep rambling and instead leave it at that.
I have always wanted to know who Trevor was since first speaking to him. I only exchanged around 5 letters with him but I firmly believe he changed who I was that day I was first given a letter by him. Yes, I would have liked Pokémon anyway but the way in which I first fell in love with the franchise is a memorable one and I will never forget it.
For this, I thank Trevor and eternally grateful for that day.
"'Cause, I built a home... For you, for me. Until it disappeared... From me, from you."
Suffer now, and live the rest of your life as a champion.
I really, really like that quote. It was once said by the great Muhammad Ali and the meaning of those words could be depicted in many a way, especially from his perspective. However in general, not just from Ali's point of view, it is a truly strong sentence of words. In all walks of life you suffer, whether that be training for an upcoming fight or hardship from a lifetime of persecution. But the glory everyone feels when they have fought through it all is momentous and for either a short time or a long time, you feel immortalised.
For me suffering is minuscule compared to another human being that dies for a drink of water or a lack of warmth but I believe I still suffer. Just a whole lot less.
There are more positive, great things in my life than bad but being the pessimistic beings that we are; we just can't help but complain and feel lost.
It has been a while since I last blogged. Perhaps because stopping on a pretty cool number as 30 was sort of an achievement. I mean reaching 5 blogs was at first thought of as scary. For a time I lost my inspiration to write and then rediscovered it but recently felt as if I had lost it again...
My creative, thoughtful side seems to be pushed aside when I get back to 'studying'. University just tends to crush that part of my brain and it becomes more about drinking, sleeping and football. Don't get me wrong, I love all three of those things but they aren't everything that defines me. I've always thought what makes you who you are, are the little things. Those tiny characteristics, secret hobbies and hidden traits that define you as a person. Not the mechanisms on show for all to see, in which everyone hides behind.
My characteristics, secret hobbies and hidden traits? If you know me well enough, you know all three. If you don't then why not try and find out? They aren't any of my all knowing mechanisms after all.
So... Recently, apart from feeling creatively lost and sort of stressed about that. I have been living the high life through student money and Iceland prices. It is all candy canes and rainbows until you realise that you should check your bank balance every so often of course. Oh well, money isn't everything. Except the bane of my life.
Had an amazing week this week though...
Been to two gigs and they were extremely good. The first of which was on Thursday in Manchester where I saw the amazing Glasvegas. A Scottish band with a penchant for sunglasses, wine and anthemic sounds.
The second was in Preston where I had the mighty pleasure of seeing Benjamin Francis Leftwich. He's a solo acoustic artist from York who dabbles in folk and Indie (of course).
Both gigs were brilliant, yet so different. Both very intimate, but with different crowd types.
It's the beauty of music I suppose, where a man can stand alone on a stage with just a guitar and garner the attention of listeners just as much as a 4 piece band. And a 4 piece band can have as much attention focused on all of them just as much as the solo artist.
I have nothing but admiration for musicians. I truly believe they are the most influential people in the world. My mood is based around music and my motto for the day will come straight from a lyricists handbook.
I've always wanted to be in a band, but I can't play an instrument. I should learn I guess, that would be a keen start?!?!? I could try and be a frontman, but I believe I am poor at best and a karaoke singer when on a good day ha ha. My girlfriend tells me I'm good but then again, she would say that to keep me happy.
We can all dream.
I wrote this a while back and felt this was relevant anyway;
I dream so I know I am awake,
Eloquent footsteps in multiple directions,
Dreams in which I sleep and thoughts in which I say,
A life not worth living if I keep them in a collection,
I dream so I know I am alive,
Haunting chapters upon blank pages,
Tears in which I cry and laughter in which I smile,
An empty life lived, locked up in hundreds of cages,
I dream so I know I feel,
Clouds hang above in a gloomy sky,
Sinking in which I drown and settling in which I deal,
Coming up with new dreams to make up another lie,
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."
I find it funny how the atmosphere you are in, reflects on your thoughts and actions.
How you move to another area or house and because of those around you, the usual course of action awaiting you at 3 in the morning changes compared to when it would normally comprise of a dabble in a new musical artist or writing a blog.
I left Blackpool for the Summer the other week, and the place I now call home before returning to University is at my Dad's in Blackburn/Accrington. It's very close to Blackpool but yet it is a completely different atmosphere. I'd go as far as to say it's another world.
Both sides of my family are complete opposites; my Mum's side enjoy a trip to the pub for some lunch and maybe even a pint. My Dad's enjoy nothing more than to sit in on a Saturday night and making up a game of Family Fortunes or a harmless Ludo tournament. Yet the changes I feel in myself are much greater...
The only way I can describe it is primarily down to culture. I try hard not to split the two cultures by sounding resentful to each one but it's difficult because both have perks and downsides.
My Mum's side is very freely going, allowing you freedom to do what you want, when you want. Everyone has varying opinions and a range of tastes in movies and music. I also find that these aspects are never criticized when around them.
My Dad's side is a collective family. Everybody rallies together and enjoys each others company, despite age difference or gender. However, they are very like-minded so if anyone with a different taste strolls in, it's mocked upon and seen as weird.
I find it hard most times because I stand out from the crowd in many ways at my Dad's. Ranging from my hair to the bigger difference; skin colour. It's hard to fit in... But I plough through it because it's worth it. They are just as important as those on my Mum's side. And I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for both sides of my family.
One aspect of the big differences between them cropped up today. I have been staying at my cousin's house for the past 2 nights because of my Dad's house being decorated. It is where everyone usually congregates and a lot of discussions arise each night; from music to sport to religion.
I hate discussions on religion, mainly because it never causes anything but anger and disagreements.
Religion is a part of life, there is no way of denying that. But in a good way? I strongly disagree... Especially when you look at the events of a certain anniversary that we have just passed yesterday. People act recklessly when religion is involved, at first people think it's the most thought out plan but it's not.
Killing in the name of a higher power, is by far the most ridiculous idea ever thought up.
A debate arose earlier on tonight, in which certain family members believe the Sun is always getting closer to the Earth because God is becoming angry at our actions. First of all, they claimed this as fact. However, the next comment really shocked me; science is fake and nonsense. I of course had to comment on this little Sun comment, in which I said "where is your scientific proof?" They then replied with the previously mentioned statement. Apparently because science is hard to understand, it's not real. As well as psychology. But God's all noticeable self, up there in the clouds causing world wide disasters with his tear induced tsunami's and casual allowance of murder and rape is much more understandable.
It puzzles me to no end. I am not a firm believe in God, angels or any sort of prophet. But I have respect for it all, I even capitalise the name. Though some people cannot see things right in front of their face. To say science is not real, is like saying gravity does not exist and that a man simply came up with the idea of oxygen whilst simply blowing up a balloon.
In the eyes of most people, God is the ultimate Deus ex Machina. The problem solver to end all problem solving, abruptly entering right at the end of time to save every one's souls from the hurt and neglect in which we have caused our planet. A 'cheat' is what I classify it as, arriving out of nowhere to make everything okay again. A bit like at the end of a movie, a man about to be shot in the middle of the street by another main character, only to have the tide turn when the bad guy is run over by a random person.
My theory on it all has always been that God has never had a foothold in my living, so why would he/she have a hand in my dying.
I won't believe that all of these problems in the world is just a sign leading to 'the end of days'. Science has led people to becoming what we are today more than that of religion. Religion gives hope to people in times of need, but science can stop those times by creating penicillin for the diseased or the physics of a digger's controls to rescue those praying from under the rubble.
"You came on your own, and that's how you'll leave. With hope in your hands, and air to breathe."
Decided to put up a few poems that I wrote a while ago and a few in which I wrote recently.
They are just a couple that I thought were best to post now, because to be honest some of the others are a bit dreary and stuff even I don't like reading...
Don't.
Don't let me lye on the water, keep me afloat.
Keep me adrift, don't let me drown no-more.
Don't let me bathe in flames, keep me cold.
Keep me from burning, don't let me melt away.
Don't let me switch off the light, keep me from the dark.
Keep me from a shadow, don't let me lose my sight.
Don't let me sleep with misery, keep me completely solemn.
Keep me from pain, don't let me run away in fear.
Wishful Thinking.
Stood atop a building up high.
A few steps to the left, or a couple of feet to the right.
Plummeting to your arms with eyes shut tight.
Tears that cannot be seen but wholeheartedly felt.
Never wanting to be on this Earth without you, all by myself.
Barrel by my side.
And a chunk of lead in hand.
It would be a quick sight, a flash before my eyes.
Memories of false hope and a happiness full of lies.
I think I'll leave here now, fed up of being reminiscent.
Never wanting to be on this Earth without you, all by myself.
A quickening end, surrounded in a cloud of bubbles.
It might be quick, there'll still be a struggle.
How can I compare it to this hangover.
Where you are by yourself, the both of us never together.
All I wanted was to be sat between beginning and happy ending up on our book shelf.
Never wanting to be on this Earth without you, all by myself.
Selfish Regret.
I sleep in til late,
And ignore pleas for me to wake,
A lot of the time we share, so incredibly short,
Lets return to our beginnings, upon our honeymoon resort.
I'm feeling so selfish and I truly regret,
Absolutely all of it.
I've always been so selfish but you make me complete,
Every single little bit.
Colliding with each other,
A vast collection of nouns,
Each one so powerful, I'm shaken to the ground,
I wish we could start over,
Forgetting all the anger and reminiscing with sweet words.
I'm feeling so selfish and I truly regret,
Absolutely all of it.
I've always been so selfish but you make me complete,
Every single little bit.
Ocean Tide.
I'm swimming out towards you,
Right out into the middle of it all,
You push me back,
Pushing me away, back towards a desolate land,
Towards the centre of population in a big shipwreck,
The place on land where we all belong to heartbreak,
Fighting against you, and losing the battle,
I'm crashing against rocks held inside your waves,
The beat of your heart so quickening but steady,
Crazed and deranged, you suck me in like a whirlpool lagoon,
I'm not ready to sink towards the empty bottom,
Give me a chance to stay and tidy up the clutter,
Your current state of mind,
It's a different kind of current,
Unable to swim within and difficult to drown beneath,
Please I plead, stop sending me back,
The shore is a lonely place,
Around there you won't find a trace,
Of me and you wherever,
So calm your oceans and let me join you out there,
You and I together.
Prosper & Struggle.
August ends,
For a new day to begin,
We laughed and we cried,
But the sun starts to hide, no a longer shine,
The waves are calm, soon to be rampant,
Where the winds will soon blow the trees, to a haunting slant,
The air isn't clear,
But I'm okay to be here, right here with you,
Leaves once green,
Fade to a dustless stance,
Empty branches and a cold air romance,
We used to walk in the heat,
Now we will lye next to one another, to warm each others feet,
Clouds fade to a grey,
Among a moody sky, the rains here to stay,
The air isn't clear,
But I'm happy to stay right here, right here with you.
Gaze at the stars,
Hid among the cluster of dust,
Soothing sounds and a gentle lust,
We would stare for hours,
Without a fear of it turning sour,
The ground covered in frost,
Clambering to our feet out of fear of becoming lost,
The air is never clear,
But I'm in love here, in love with you.
Hope you enjoyed reading them, and if you want give me some pointers on what you think needs improving. I expect poem names to be among this list, as they are pretty, pretty lame.
Jake.
"I hope you find the love that's true, so the morning light can shine on you. I hope you find what you're looking for, so your heart is warm for ever more."
