Senseless

It has been a pretty long while since I last blogged. Wow. It has been over what? 7 months... Jeez. I really wanted to keep going this year, mainly to keep my mental juices flowing, but unfortunately the university work has piled up quite a bit. I suppose a lot of blame can be put on my time keeping but oh well. These things happen. The world has kept spinning and so has the creative world. Speaking of... The creative world that is, not the world (who the hell cares about the that crap? Kony, yeah lets catch him!) has been hitting full steam in 2013. A bunch of films ready to release and a shed load of comic books gearing up for previews. It is quite an exciting time, which like most years is always going to happen when a new year begins.

My life has, like I already mentioned, been hectic in terms of being a student. Read into that as you will, because 'being a student' is not just writing essays and attending classes (which, in the form of the latter, I suck at anyway) but it is about living the student life. Spending un-earned cash and sleeping in as if you are allergic to the light. Screw you daytime. Anyhow, I have been desperately trying to gain any sort of motivation to blog because I really do enjoy it. I enjoy it even if when speaking to whomever is reading these entries; ends up being just me when spell-checking the crap out of it. That is besides the point though... I suppose I look forward to leaving and hopefully graduating because it affords me the time to be a bit more creative. Creative to me is what I have done as a kid; spending hours with my Power Ranger, Batman, Biker Mice and Mighty Max figurines crafting story lines in which I would delve so deep that I would forget about the spelling homework due in for the next day (I was about 7/8, don't worry I'm not talking about 2 years ago). My Mum and Dad talk of it all the time as if I was a bit crazy but, hey, don't all kids act a little crazy when they were younger? Giving each figurine and character different accents when speaking and different motives when acting on whatever diabolical plot is at hand. I suppose it is about growing up. I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for those hours spent expanding on a world that I thought was amazing and engrossing. Worlds crafted my your very own mind.

The past 4 years have been divided between growing up and advancing my academic career which I am not sure has been incredibly successful but I guess I have grown as a person. Not just height wise of course, but morals and interests. I enjoy the company of fewer people than I did when I began university but I also have a willingness to accept more opinions than I did as a naive teenager. Loving and losing is a part of life and although I haven't come to grips with it, it is an aspect of life that I, in a weird way, look forward to experiencing. Being a student, unintentionally, means ignoring those outside factors of the world and focusing on the good things surrounding you; drinking, spending, indulging and enjoying. You never want it to stop until you reach the end. You get there and it becomes this massive hurdle, an unclimbable wall of hopes and you feel like the world rests on your shoulder. Family members willing you on to gain that inevitable certificate that, if you put in a strong effort, can be something to place on the fridge (people actually do that?). I have worried for so long about this moment in my life and I do not know if I have ran at it hard enough or fast enough but I am giving it a go. Possibly half-hearted but that is all I have to offer right now.

Meanwhile, atop the umbrella factory... Hopefully, if reading this you understand that reference then I want you to know that you have given me that area to expand and digress. I owe a lot of you something, but I don't know what. Money perhaps? I hope not, because I couldn't afford what I owe you. You have helped me to engage without stress, and disengage without the feeling of a goodbye. I won't divulge on what I speak of because I feel as if those I speak of are a part of a community. Somewhere I can go to relieve mental pressure and feel at home even though I know none of those people in real life. Basically, imagine the scene from V for Vendetta where Evey hears of the story from the woman in the other cell (perhaps not as emotional).

So what is this blog post leading to? It was not originally leading to anything but I suppose seeing as you have put up with all of my ramblings and arse-licking, you should be rewarded? I wouldn't call this a reward anyway, it is more an expansion on the torture you have already been forced into. It is a section of something I have been working on for a while, albeit something I have worked on sparingly  but yet a creation I hope will crop up near completion in the very near future... It is a poem from a piece of work that will comprise of many more poems featuring art work (by someone else, I cannot draw for the life of me) and tell a similar story across the book. Hey, it features much melancholy so if you dig that stuff, more power to you and heck; ENJOY! It's rough and probably not very good but hopefully you do and if not, I'm sorry for wasting your time...

Anyway;

Christie

Christie, tiny little Christie.

Used to be slender and all full of wonder,

Now your face is full of tears,

And your head is filled with madness,

Put down the objects,

Shiny and sharp,

You lie there lifeless making nasty and vicious scars,

It's not good for you and it's not good for your families heart,

The world sees you still,

Left the world like a flash of thunder,

Those drugs have gone in for the kill,

Tiny little Christie, your beat is gone, your life torn asunder.

"I'm flying high on something beautiful and aimless, It's got a name but I prefer to call it nameless."

Bigger Than Us

There are estimated to be around 45,000 chickens to each person on the planet.

There is a fact for you. A strange start to a post? Most probably. But what I'm trying to get at, is that the world is so much bigger than just you, myself or any other Joe Bloggs. If chickens had the capabilities, and even if they could be bothered, I suppose, they could make a real effort of world domination. Thanfully they are pretty much stupid and instead we butcher around 7 billion of the little egg laying fellas each year.
To the chickens, everything is quaint and routinely the same each and every day; they never make a fuss and are only focused on whatever they themselves are doing and not what your average businessman makes a year.

Despite this post looking like a way of preaching against the killing of innocent chickens, it is actually nothing to do with some kooky-ass plan to save every hen all the way down to the last feather. I'm trying to state how chickens seem to believe the world revolves around them, that there is nothing else important and that the day starts with their ridiculous screeching and ends with their heads on a meat board. It is a lot like us humans... We carry on each day acting as if something on the other side of the world is irrelevant and just doesn't figure in our daily lives.
Why should we? We have our homes, warmth and food. It's perfectly logical to not consider a more mundane destination than the pleasant territory in which we live. However... The world is bigger than us, almost everything is out of our control. The growth of crops in a southern state of America and the time that the sun rises in Japan.

It was only until recently that I was oblivious to this. Well I say "oblivious" but I reckon it was more a dominant ignorance to anything that I had no control over. For a long time, I too like many others, felt no need to care about certain facts of life. Cancer? Why should I care if I don't have it. Raising a family? I'm still apart of one, it's no big deal. Times changing and effecting everything around me? Well heck, I'm staying the same. However in the past weeks I have seen those issues come to the forefront in not only my life but others too; with some issues concerning those I know very closely.
One of my best friends, only recently in last couple of days, welcomed a child into the world. I have witnessed (not firsthand, that's weird) the birth of my sister, 2 brothers and a couple of cousins but there is something much more alarming than when it is a very close friend.

The funny things about friends are that you would do anything to protect them... You would do anything for them, because they are your friends. Not family but damn close to it. Then they all get girlfriends and well, the girlfriends then become apart of this friend-created family. You would do as much for your friend's girlfriends/fiancée as you would for your actual friend. I believe this right down to the last word, but it's rare you ever really do something because when you have hardly any money, neither does your friend. You are both in the same boat and on equal ground, all you can really do is give some friendly advice and tell them you're there for them no matter what.
Once a child enters the fray, all of that changes rapidly. I found myself wanting to do more, be there for them so much more and do anything you possibly could to let them know they aren't on their own. Because if a friend is just like your own flesh and blood, and you are both who you are today because of each other, then their child is instantly apart of your friend-created family. When they are not able to do something, you want to attempt to help. Even if it is something small like taking the child to the cinema in the near future to see the sequel to The Avengers (I hope you are reading this Andi).
I'm still a member of my family, I haven't yet broke off to create my own yet but that's okay because I am in no rush to. In a few years maybe, but right now I am so happy to have a new member of my closest family.

Before ending this post, I just wanted to reflect on something I spoke with one of my best friends about last week in the pub. We tried to rewind all the way back about 5 or 6 years and see how we could be where we are now in our lives because of something I might have done to influence the shift. We spoke of how, quite possibly, my choice of drinking a glass of water/cordial shaped 'our' world and set off a course of events which would lead us to where we are now. Yes choices were made before and after, but we found that to be the defining moment. It led to some bad moments, some incredibly low moments but it's created some fantastic moments and in years to come, I am sure that I will look back and think how it was the best glass of water I have ever decided to drink.

Also, you should still worry about chickens taking over. Scary.

"You took the tunnel route home, you've never taken that way with me before. Did you feel the need for change?"

Fairytale Lullaby

Something I wrote recently...

We met in strange and magical,

Unforgivable and unforgettable,

Beautiful circumstance,

We could have danced,

But I was far too out of it.

Now we stay up 'til late,

Far past dark and broadening on bright,

Arguing and debating,

If we went wrong from the start,

Or lost our way when we got a little too far.

Foolish from me to be so cruel to you,

I'm at fault and I'm so sorry,

Stay with me and I'll explain your worries,

It's all missed and lost,

Please trust my words,

You're never forgotten.

I'll dance with swords,

All night with you,

If it means we're together,

Erase the thoughts of me when I'm cruel,

Just keep your heart lit,

Because I can't sleep when we're not sharing a kiss.

"Maybe we will find a thousand sugar fish, and when you eat them they will grant you every wish."

Forever Young

Life, death and youth is always something that has interested me. The first two in particular continue to perplex me and leave me wanting a satisfactory meaning to the whole construction of what we call our existence. Everyone dies at some point... It's a fact of nature and it is a subject of emotional responses, and more often that not; regret. There are many people that I have never met in my life or come across whilst alive that I wish I had. This ranges from music artists such as Ian Curtis to actors such as Marlon Brando. Both of them either dying before my time or during my life, but myself being much too young to appreciate.
I suppose the main obstacle in life is holding onto dear memories that when taking place, you don't realise just how special they are. Only for you to later on, rediscover something and think back to a moment and feeling that left you reserved.

The oldest memory which I possess is one where I walk into my Nan's house to a crowded hallway of about 6 or 7 people all staring at me with joy and happiness. The problem I have with this memory is that I often dictate whether it is real... The reason being is because in this memory, my great Grandad is stood there next to all my other family members and smiling back at me. He is stood sort of to the side, inbetween the hallway and the kitchen, just next to the porch. I never properly met him and if I did, I was never old enough to speak to him. Such memories can confuse you because you start to ponder whether it is just false hope that creates a moment like this to give you a feeling of optimism, that you can live knowing that your ancestors saw you brought into the world and living with a smile on your face.

A thought always comes into my head when I think about stuff like this. Thoughts specifically leading to a choice, which if offered, what would I choose? The decision between living a mortal life or becoming immortal and experiencing life over and over until the end of time. Immortality is a subject that always compels me to read more and more into it and gain an understanding on the pros and cons of living forever.
One particular example is that of Dorian Gray. A fictional character I first came across quite a while ago, from the film "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". The film was entirely rubbish and yet again; a fail at adapting graphic novels to the big screen. However, that is beyond the point... From then on, I was enthralled in this tale of how a man wished to be young forever, to stay as he is now, exactly the same as his portrait. For his recently painted portrait to age instead of him.
It was only until recently when I was given the book as a present, that I truly understood the story and fell in love even more so with Oscar Wilde's tale.

Within the story, Dorian Gray comes across a man by the name of Henry Wotton; a man fueled by all of the pleasures in life and a renowned hedonist in his circle of friends and acquaintances. He teaches Dorian to stop being so naive in life and see it more for what it is. Whether he is right or wrong, he places Dorian on his journey in life, forever altering his views and travels. The strength in the story which has me most interested is that Wotton is clearly an alter-ego of Wilde. His philosophical views are clearly Wilde speaking from the depth of his heart on how we should live life and in some ways, the benefits of living forever.

A quote from Henry Wotton in the story is as follows;
"Beauty is a form of genius - is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon."

I suppose in a way he is right and that all human life is depressing that one day, no matter who you are, beauty fades and you become somebody else. No longer loved by all, but adored by few. It is the reason people wish to look as young as possible for as long as is possible. A form of immortality...
But what always gets me thinking is that despite us living a life that is always filled with love and hate, joy and sadness and laughter and tears, human life is so special for that very reason. We will always face that impending doom of death and losing a loved one. It is why everything is so precious. If the option of living forever was made available to us, I suspect many would say yes and that is not excluding me. But would we lose whatever made us human in the first place.

A film which I always think has an underbelly of deep thought in this matter is Troy starring Brad Pitt and Eric Bana. A mythical story based around the siege of Troy and how Achilles became one of the most famous names in Greek mythology. Achilles at one point though, which is my favourite scene in the film, says to Briseis (who is a Priestess and devout servant of the Gods) a quote which despite it being out of context with how we follow religion nowadays compared to ancient Greece, still holds true;

"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."

We as mortal men and women value life so highly because any moment we could be gone, another box in the ground or a 1000 grains of dust scattered into the sea. We follow rules and passages from old text because we feel like we should live a certain way but if God is real, is it not he that wishes so much to be human? Does he not watch over us witnessing how much we can love and yet how much we can destroy with jealousy?

If I were immortal, the gains of living forever would be great. Being able to make sure my blood line could last generations. That all of my family may live the longest possible without fear of death as I could be there to protect them. How I could witness everything unfold without a care in the world.
But I think in the end, I hold my mortality in high regard. That whatever choices I make, have consequences. When I eventually leave the world, I can leave with optimism knowing I lived a good life and that I may in some hope, be celebrated by those closest to me. Rather than be here longer enough to witness those I love pass by and the imminent loneliness of knowing the world has changed and I have not.

"Youth is like diamonds in the sun, and diamonds are forever."

Baby, We'll Be Fine

Just a few that I wrote recently...

Rooted;
I plant your roots,
Deep within the ground,
In a forest of beauty and fruits,
Only small, weak and discreet,
You can grow tall, strong and sleek,

I am only a bit older,
Older than you, but not much wiser,
Together we shall age, become close friends,
In each others company till we reach the roads end,

I'll depend on you, like you will the weather,
Clouds open up and rain fall from the heavens,
So when everyone has left me,
You will still be here, taller than before and higher than the eyes can see,

I'll always remember,
your comfort and presence, and deep thinking slumber,
How a gentle piece of nature,
Could provide so much nurture, hope and love,
Never selfish, you just stand there caring so much.


Jasmine;
Beauty to stop a glance,
Reel you in and transform to a trance,
Something I can't describe,
And probably don't deserve,
Yet it feels like fate is on my side.

A radiance so sweet,
Colourful flower sweeping in the mist,
A princess to the world,
And a queen to me,
Someone my eyes only choose to see.

Elegant with innocence,
With us there's no pretence,
To me there is only you,
And to you there only be me,
I've caught you like the flu,
And I'm in no way immune,
But I just don't care because... I love you.


Umbrella Girl;
You're just an umbrella girl,
Put up your smile to keep the rain from my world,
You keep me grounded,
Always making me want to say 3 words and not caring how cheesy they sounded,
Everything is better in your presence,
Everywhere more pleasant because of your existence,

You hold me together like an entwined bracelet,
So whisper me your secret,
How your cheeks stay dry,
No tears, just a bright beautiful smile,
Cause your just an umbrella girl,
You put up a smile and keep the rain from my world.


"Say, look at me. Baby, we'll be fine. All we gotta do is be brave and be kind."

Gotta Catch 'Em All!

I suppose the greatest thing about being a kid is that you don't realise how good you have got it, not caring about anything and generally having a treat of a time. But then again, that is also the bad thing about being a kid.

You let every great moment pass without a care or thought because you believe it will all happen again tomorrow. You're not far wrong either, because your childhood is filled with so many fantastical adventures. If you had an imagination like mine then you could make a trip to Carpet World turn into an exploration of a far away planet full to the brim with carpet covered monsters and aliens pretending to be humans. You were the only one in on it, and it was bloody marvelous. 

My childhood was brilliant. I loved every moment of it, and I class them as the best days of my life. Days being when exactly? Around 6 years old up until I was about 12. Starting at 6 because... Well, you gain an understanding of things and adults start to trust you that little bit more. You have been at school a full year, you know what the area is like because you walked through it to get to school and your vocabulary is getting pretty darned good. And it stops at 12 because obviously, high school begins; the place where imagination is kidnapped and locked up and fed to the dogs. All because they believe GCSE's determine where you will end up. Bollocks.

The reason I wanted to write this blog was because I wanted to discuss what I would like to think is the most important stage of my childhood. It wasn't a personal problem going on at home, it wasn't school work related and it certainly wasn't when I realised Father Christmas was one big lie.

It was the day I first came across Pokémon...

It only cropped up in my mind the other night/early morning when I sat up in bed and for about an hour and a half spewed out this massive nostalgic tale to my girlfriend (who seemed to enjoy the story). I remembered just how captivating the world of Pokémon was, how it gripped hold of your imagination without you having to really imagine anything. You lived for Pokémon. You practically breathed Pokémon.

My first interaction with that franchise came about when I was around 9. This was a year before it really captivated the hearts and souls of children all across Britain. Being in Year 4, every class gets a 'pen pal' and well it was time for us to get ours. Apparently, our school had a sister school in Canada or something a long those lines which enabled us to link easily with each other. This was before Facebook and all those other social networking websites so it was insanely exciting to think that you could write a load of old nonsense and some other kid on the other side of the world would read it and reply.

My 'pen pal' was a kid named Trevor. I remember the first time I received my letter, it was very surreal. Mainly because they had been given their pal before us. This enabled them to write directly to you... So as described it was simply addressed "To Jake".

I always try to reminisce the whole letter but I have no clue really as to the exact words. But I remember him speaking about how he played peewee Baseball and read books about Dinosaurs. Even though the whole letter was cool, it was something in which Trevor had attached that really had me mesmerised. In the top right corner of the letter, attached simply by paper-clip was a Pokémon card. At the time I had no idea what it was of course... But I still fell in love with it right off the bat. The colours , the artwork and detail put into the picture; it had my full attention.

I still remember what Pokémon it was;

A Charmander. It mattered not what his stats said and how powerful his moves were. I just wanted to show it everyone that would glance, even if only for a second. Right at that moment, the teacher called for "break time" and all of the class hurried to the playground. I rushed manically to see what everyone else had received from their pen pal and to see if somebody had also been given a card. But only 1 other kid had. It was a Diglett and was most definitely, not as cool as mine.

I had to wait a whole Summer nearly for the craze to arrive. Which it did, and boyo' boy did it. Pokémon was the biggest thing on the planet. Nobody could argue that, even if you were 25 years old and mad about the battle for Brit-Pop champion.

Once everyone knew what Pokémon was, you couldn't have a dinner time without someone debating what the best Pokémon was and why. Nobody knew why exactly, and even if everybody had the cards you still didn't really know how to play. But just like before, everything changed again. This change was to launch Pokémon into a whole new world of craze.

I'm sure everyone remembers how they felt when this played on the TV;

Every morning at 7:30 am, I woke up to catch up on Ash's latest adventure. Waiting in anticipation to find out what new Pokémon he would catch and most importantly; see when he would become a "Pokémon Master". I remember wanting him to be the best even more than he did.

When you become entwined in a craze as a child. You never really want anything other than to be surrounded by it. Birthdays and Christmas' all include asking for all the bits of merchandise and toys. PokémonPokédex's. All of them on the agenda of a Christmas list.

Waking up to find your Mum sat at the end of your bed with wrapped up presents concealing 2 booster packs of Pokémon cards for your Birthday. They are some of the best memories I have. Even if not just because I was happy at a present I received, but because I could see how happy my Mum was that she had made my world.

Moments like that don't happen anymore. I'm 21 and don't get me wrong, I don't expect to wake up in the morning and see my Mum waiting with a present for me. I have grown out of that but the thought and remembrance of such events makes me a little sad and crave for that childlike feeling.

Maybe that is what's wrong with adult life nowadays. There is nothing of real, genuine excitement to wake up for anymore. You wish you could watch 18 rated movies when you are younger, but the thought is always better than the real thing. I did wish madly that I could stay up later with all the older people when I was 10 but now I wish I could go to bed early like when I was a kid, just so I could wake up early to find Pokémon on my TV screen. But I know it won't happen. I wished for many thing when I was younger, most came true, and for the most part I am incredibly happy. But there is that little piece of me that desperately clings to the feeling of being a child. Seeing the world through tinted glasses, and not panicking over things that wouldn't have even existed at the age of 7, 8, 9, 10 and any of those other young ages.

Being a child is simple. You enjoy the finer things in life, and everything you come across shapes who you are when you grow up. Those life changing moments range from your favourite colour to a TV/game/toy franchise.

There are many, many more stories about Pokémon I have from being a child and plenty of other mad crazes I had such as Thomas the Tank Engine, Dragonball Z and Power Rangers. Though I am not going to keep rambling and instead leave it at that.

I have always wanted to know who Trevor was since first speaking to him. I only exchanged around 5 letters with him but I firmly believe he changed who I was that day I was first given a letter by him. Yes, I would have liked Pokémon anyway but the way in which I first fell in love with the franchise is a memorable one and I will never forget it.

For this, I thank Trevor and eternally grateful for that day.

"'Cause, I built a home... For you, for me. Until it disappeared... From me, from you."

Dream, Dream, Dreaming...

Suffer now, and live the rest of your life as a champion.

I really, really like that quote. It was once said by the great Muhammad Ali and the meaning of those words could be depicted in many a way, especially from his perspective. However in general, not just from Ali's point of view, it is a truly strong sentence of words. In all walks of life you suffer, whether that be training for an upcoming fight or hardship from a lifetime of persecution. But the glory everyone feels when they have fought through it all is momentous and for either a short time or a long time, you feel immortalised.

For me suffering is minuscule compared to another human being that dies for a drink of water or a lack of warmth but I believe I still suffer. Just a whole lot less.

There are more positive, great things in my life than bad but being the pessimistic beings that we are; we just can't help but complain and feel lost.

It has been a while since I last blogged. Perhaps because stopping on a pretty cool number as 30 was sort of an achievement. I mean reaching 5 blogs was at first thought of as scary. For a time I lost my inspiration to write and then rediscovered it but recently felt as if I had lost it again...

My creative, thoughtful side seems to be pushed aside when I get back to 'studying'. University just tends to crush that part of my brain and it becomes more about drinking, sleeping and football. Don't get me wrong, I love all three of those things but they aren't everything that defines me. I've always thought what makes you who you are, are the little things. Those tiny characteristics, secret hobbies and hidden traits that define you as a person. Not the mechanisms on show for all to see, in which everyone hides behind.

My characteristics, secret hobbies and hidden traits? If you know me well enough, you know all three. If you don't then why not try and find out? They aren't any of my all knowing mechanisms after all.

So... Recently, apart from feeling creatively lost and sort of stressed about that. I have been living the high life through student money and Iceland prices. It is all candy canes and rainbows until you realise that you should check your bank balance every so often of course. Oh well, money isn't everything. Except the bane of my life.

Had an amazing week this week though...
Been to two gigs and they were extremely good. The first of which was on Thursday in Manchester where I saw the amazing Glasvegas. A Scottish band with a penchant for sunglasses, wine and anthemic sounds.
The second was in Preston where I had the mighty pleasure of seeing Benjamin Francis Leftwich. He's a solo acoustic artist from York who dabbles in folk and Indie (of course).
Both gigs were brilliant, yet so different. Both very intimate, but with different crowd types.
It's the beauty of music I suppose, where a man can stand alone on a stage with just a guitar and garner the attention of listeners just as much as a 4 piece band. And a 4 piece band can have as much attention focused on all of them just as much as the solo artist.

I have nothing but admiration for musicians. I truly believe they are the most influential people in the world. My mood is based around music and my motto for the day will come straight from a lyricists handbook.

I've always wanted to be in a band, but I can't play an instrument. I should learn I guess, that would be a keen start?!?!? I could try and be a frontman, but I believe I am poor at best and a karaoke singer when on a good day ha ha. My girlfriend tells me I'm good but then again, she would say that to keep me happy.
We can all dream.

I wrote this a while back and felt this was relevant anyway;

I dream so I know I am awake,
Eloquent footsteps in multiple directions,
Dreams in which I sleep and thoughts in which I say,
A life not worth living if I keep them in a collection,

I dream so I know I am alive,
Haunting chapters upon blank pages,
Tears in which I cry and laughter in which I smile,
An empty life lived, locked up in hundreds of cages,

I dream so I know I feel,
Clouds hang above in a gloomy sky,
Sinking in which I drown and settling in which I deal,
Coming up with new dreams to make up another lie,

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."